Unlocking Effective Communication: The Art and Challenge of Listening

The adage "I need to listen better" is often thrown around, yet its true meaning and implementation remain elusive. At the core of effective communication lies the art of listening, a skill that extends far beyond merely hearing words. Listening is often described as levels, understanding each level's unique challenges and opportunities.

Level One: Conversational Listening

The most basic form of listening, Level One, is where most of us start. Picture yourself at a casual get-together. One person recounts their trip to Singapore, and almost reflexively, another counters with a similar experience. Conversational listening focuses on how we respond rather than fully engaging with the speaker's words. It's about waiting for our turn to speak rather than truly hearing.

1. Casual Coffee Catch-up: Imagine sitting at a coffee shop with a friend. As they share details about a recent work project, you find yourself nodding along, intermittently checking your phone, and thinking about what you'll say next about your work. You're physically present and offering basic verbal nods, but your mind is partially elsewhere, more focused on your response than your friend's story.
2. Dinner Party Discussion: You're engaged in a group conversation at a dinner party. One guest shares an anecdote about a hiking adventure. Instead of absorbing the emotions and details of their story, you're already lining up your own hiking story to share, waiting for the moment to insert it into the conversation. Your listening is superficial, driven by the social expectation to contribute rather than a deep understanding or interest in the other person's experience.

Level Two: Active Listening

Then, there's Level Two, or 'active listening.' Active listening is where we begin to make a fundamental shift. Active listening requires not allowing the internal chatter of the mind to steal the focus of our attention so we may accommodate the speaker's thoughts and feelings. It's about being present in the conversation and asking questions that deepen our understanding. While the words we choose to use to describe our perspectives do not mean we interpret the meaning the same way. Active listening is more than hearing someone. It also develops the ability to introspect on what we might have misunderstood or require additional clarity. Active listening is essential for coaching situations where we want to have the same conversation and work to hear what the person is not saying. For example, suppose someone shares their feelings about a subject in a conversation. In that case, it might be worth exploring the source of the emotion rather than the target of the emotion - not something easily achieved if we can only work on the surface level. 

Challenges with breaking into Level Two Listening

• An untrained mind will struggle with the following:
  • The self-talk in the mind steals their attention frequently.
  • We make assumptions about what we are hearing.
  • Conversational mechanics, such as probing questions, to level set a conversation.
  • We are organizing multiple complex subjects simultaneously. For example, someone begins to vent at us, and we rapidly break the words into subjects worth exploring.
• We know when to steer the course of the conversation if we are on the wrong track.
• Emotional intelligence is noticing when we are working with the intellectual mind or the emotional one. 

The goal is to let these thoughts pass and allow the conversation to unfold naturally. While many of these concepts may sound strange or foreign, I am pretty relaxed when speaking with another person; I am putting myself aside and living with them for that moment. How would I feel? What is confusing me? Do I have that right? Learning and practicing being fully present will make much of what it means to rest in Level Two listening possible and enjoyable.

Level Three: Reading the Room

Reading the room is another advanced style of listening, which involves reading the room for starters, and later, it is possible to read much larger contexts. Here, we're not just listening to words; we're observing dynamics and understanding the impact of communication on everyone involved. In a meeting, for instance, noticing that only a few voices dominate while others remain silent can signal an opportunity to invite more participation. This level of listening is about being attuned to communication's emotional and logical effects and recognizing that messages can be interpreted in various ways.

The Challenge of Listening

The journey to improving our listening skills is intertwined with our understanding of the nature of the conversation happening in the mind.

The challenge lies in accepting that we do not control any thought that enters the mind. The thoughts in our minds are not produced deliberately by us. The mind produces them, and our attention is habitually drawn to them.

Instead, notice when a thought has stolen attention and bring it back to the present moment (sound familiar?). To listen effectively, we must practice directing our attention purposefully, acknowledging our thoughts but not being consumed by them. Again, this is a skill, and skills take time to develop.

Three tips to level up listening

• Do not focus on silencing thoughts, which also involves thinking and distracting. Instead, if you catch yourself thinking - let go of what has your attention and return to the conversation. Giving yourself a mental high-five at that moment would reinforce your efforts.
• Make it your job to ask questions. Early on, thoughts like "Oh no, what if I cannot ask a question?" or "I know what question to ask next!!!" are thoughts produced by the demand of the immediate moment; they are not true and certainly not worth our attention. Instead of coming back to the conversation, find something to learn more about - a question base like "Tell me more about that..." or "Why is that important to you?" and "Can we go back to that other thing you mentioned? Are good at keeping the conversation focused on the subject and out of our minds. As the conversation flourishes and we learn more about how people respond to our discussion, making those wins will give us courage.
• The next time you are in a big meeting, note how people respond to the activity in the room. Are people engaged? As an exercise, what would you change to get them engaged - assuming they are not? Or they are engaged - what then are they interested in? What would you say is motivating them? We could even go as far as having a coffee with that person later on to discuss that session, and "I just couldn't help but notice how engaged you were...".

Please be mindful of using any exercise. The intention is not to give a recipe for success but to provide simple starting points that will lead you to actual skill development that you can continue for as long as you care.

Cultivating Listening Skills

To cultivate these skills:

1. Start with self-awareness.
2. Recognize which level of listening you're currently engaging in and consciously strive to progress to the next level.
3. Practice active listening by asking thoughtful questions and genuinely engaging with the responses.
4. In group settings, observe the dynamics and consider the impact of what's being said and who's saying it.

Conclusion

Listening, in its truest sense, is a complex and nuanced skill. It's about understanding the words and the emotions and dynamics behind them. By recognizing and practicing the different listening levels, we can become better communicators and more empathetic leaders, colleagues, and friends. Remember, effective listening isn't just about hearing; it's about understanding, engaging, and connecting.